That is what I was told tonight by not just one but 4 different people. It started out with one comment, talked about with someone else and she agreed so I talked to Jim and Mike and they agreed with the other two. I am told I am obsessed about losing my last 10 lbs. I am working to hard at the gym, I am not eating enough, I am running myself ragged trying to lose these last 10. Why can’t I just stop and maintain what I’ve done so far? I’m beautiful like I am, I have a shape, I can do things I couldn’t do before. Why can’t I just take a day or two and just relax? Why can we just go out and get an ice-cream cone? Why can’t we ….blah, blah, blah. After about 2 hours of hearing this from these people all I wanted to do was cry. Yes, they think I’ve done great. Yes, they are happy with the body I now have. Yes, I have had a great support system and they have been awesome. BUT….But I want to weigh 170 lbs and learn to live there the rest of my life. It’s not even the skinny range, it’s just a bit above the normal range.
I heard enough tonight that my night went to hell in a hand basket. Sorry about that but it did. Oh I didn’t go and eat the world but I’ve cried more tonight then in ages. Now I will admit the stress level right now is a bit on the high side (and not diet related) so even if this really isn’t that big a deal, tonight it’s huge. I have no intentions of quitting this and learning to maintain yet, I am going to lose my last 10 lbs come hell or high water. My feelings are hurt tonight and it’s really sorta stupid because the reason all of this started in the first place was because I forgot something, something that was pretty big and had to have my mama come and rescue me and she said it was because all I could think about was going to the gym. All I could think about is losing those last 10 lbs. All I could think about was me. Then down hill from there. But that’s not true, I forgot because I FORGOT!
I was also told by my best friend that there has to be more to Julie then sleep, eating, exercise and health. I tried to explain for me right now, that’s it. I have been something to everyone for years, lots and lots of years and last year I decided it was time for me. She told me years ago to do something for me, well a few years later I’m doing that and now it’s not what anyone wants. Is it because I am taking time for me now and not as much time for everyone else? Is it because instead of fixing exactly what someone wants for dinner I change it to make it something we all can have, me included. Is it because I spend 3 hours at the gym a few times a week and not home doing the dishes or folding clothes or stacking more wood or cleaning the chicken coop (by the way, I do these things too…all the time but first some me time). Is it because I grew some balls because I want to live a healthy, long and wonderful life with them and without them?
PMS….going to be one of those periods I think. Touchy, hurt, sorta felt left down. A darn drama queen. But what would you feel like if someone said that too you?
I am off tomorrow. I am going to the gym, I am staying there for as long as I want too and then I’m coming home and then going thrift store shopping and a late lunch out. I am taking the day and doing what I want and no I’m not doing laundry, dishes, carrying any wood or cleaning out the coop. I’m not vacuuming, I’m not washing a floor. I’m not worrying about daycare paper work, I’m not doing taxes. I’m not doing any scout work. And when I get home, I might take a long walk with Wilbur and enjoy the day because I am all about me right now. Friday, I’ll be a wife, mama, daycare mama, best friend, friend, daughter, grand daughter, sister, aunt and anything else I need to be.
My first ever rant. My first ever complaining about everything and everyone. Still love me?
Take care my friend. God Bless!!