Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Obsessed…

That is what I was told tonight by not just one but 4 different people. It started out with one comment, talked about with someone else and she agreed so I talked to Jim and Mike and they agreed with the other two. I am told I am obsessed about losing my last 10 lbs. I am working to hard at the gym, I am not eating enough, I am running myself ragged trying to lose these last 10. Why can’t I just stop and maintain what I’ve done so far? I’m beautiful like I am, I have a shape, I can do things I couldn’t do before. Why can’t I just take a day or two and just relax? Why can we just go out and get an ice-cream cone? Why can’t we ….blah, blah, blah. After about 2 hours of hearing this from these people all I wanted to do was cry. Yes, they think I’ve done great. Yes, they are happy with the body I now have. Yes, I have had a great support system and they have been awesome. BUT….But I want to weigh 170 lbs and learn to live there the rest of my life. It’s not even the skinny range, it’s just a bit above the normal range.

I heard enough tonight that my night went to hell in a hand basket. Sorry about that but it did. Oh I didn’t go and eat the world but I’ve cried more tonight then in ages. Now I will admit the stress level right now is a bit on the high side (and not diet related) so even if this really isn’t that big a deal, tonight it’s huge. I have no intentions of quitting this and learning to maintain yet, I am going to lose my last 10 lbs come hell or high water. My feelings are hurt tonight and it’s really sorta stupid because the reason all of this started in the first place was because I forgot something, something that was pretty big and had to have my mama come and rescue me and she said it was because all I could think about was going to the gym. All I could think about is losing those last 10 lbs. All I could think about was me. Then down hill from there. But that’s not true, I forgot because I FORGOT!

I was also told by my best friend that there has to be more to Julie then sleep, eating, exercise and health. I tried to explain for me right now, that’s it. I have been something to everyone for years, lots and lots of years and last year I decided it was time for me. She told me years ago to do something for me, well a few years later I’m doing that and now it’s not what anyone wants. Is it because I am taking time for me now and not as much time for everyone else? Is it because instead of fixing exactly what someone wants for dinner I change it to make it something we all can have, me included. Is it because I spend 3 hours at the gym a few times a week and not home doing the dishes or folding clothes or stacking more wood or cleaning the chicken coop (by the way, I do these things too…all the time but first some me time). Is it because I grew some balls because I want to live a healthy, long and wonderful life with them and without them?

PMS….going to be one of those periods I think. Touchy, hurt, sorta felt left down. A darn drama queen. But what would you feel like if someone said that too you?

I am off tomorrow. I am going to the gym, I am staying there for as long as I want too and then I’m coming home and then going thrift store shopping and a late lunch out. I am taking the day and doing what I want and no I’m not doing laundry, dishes, carrying any wood or cleaning out the coop. I’m not vacuuming, I’m not washing a floor. I’m not worrying about daycare paper work, I’m not doing taxes. I’m not doing any scout work. And when I get home, I might take a long walk with Wilbur and enjoy the day because I am all about me right now. Friday, I’ll be a wife, mama, daycare mama, best friend, friend, daughter, grand daughter, sister, aunt and anything else I need to be.

My first ever rant. My first ever complaining about everything and everyone. Still love me?

Take care my friend. God Bless!!

13 comments:

Kalei's Best Friend said...

I think u obsess because u WANT to get to that goal fast... I'm not on a diet but u could call me obsessed because I will look at that scale for that number... for me its turned into a personal contest and I think its happened to u as well.. I am not verbal about it, but I do get on the scale.. I will not tell u what I weigh cuz u will roll your eyes.. In all truth, its the number that attracts me.. And no, I do not starve myself, I have found a happy medium, I eat right and yes I will eat cookies/ice cream cuz I know when I need that sugar.. Remember when u started this diet? I told u for the way u get it to work is to accept it as a way of life.. That the food u eat plays a big part, the healthier u eat the better your body will be...added years...
Bottom line is, compulsive eating, weight gain is not just eating too much or the wrong thing, its usually because of deeper issue...

Shawn said...

Hang in there. I think it is hard on everyone when we, women, decide to put ourselves first. Old habits are hard to break but remember this is a new, confident you. In time, life will fall into place and the new, will become the normal.
Sometimes you just need to vent and that is what wevare here for!
Blessings,
Shawn

Baby Sister said...

Everyone is allowed a rant/venting session. Have a day off, enjoy yourself. The only important thing is that you are happy, and you are doing what you feel is best. Balance is hard to find, but you're doing great. :)

Jackie said...

Luv ya more than ever, Julie. Rants are good for the soul - far better than keeping things inside and then eating to hide them, don't you agree? In my lifetime, one thing I have discovered without fail is that change always seems hardest on those around me. When I'm feeling good about taking charge of my life and making changes, others feel threatened. Hang in there and stay strong for you. If others feel threatened by your positive changes, they really have some soul-searching of their own to do! Enjoy your day tomorrow and feel good that you've nearly reached a goal that's dear to you! Way to go! Hugs, prayers and lots of "girl" energy for support!
Jackie

Karen Butler Ogle said...

Julie, It could be that you should lighten up a little. Don't give up your goal and don't stop losing but you have put an awful lot of stress on yourself and that can't be helping your diet plan. Keep on track but give yourself a break from the stress. You have to do some things for you and you have every right to do that. I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

AlmostGastricBypass said...

Are you done yet ? Whining that is ? Are you serious ? Relax, look at last years photos of Fat Julie and relax.. It will come off, just relax... Relax...

LeFebvre Momma said...

It is a season. This wont last. You will lose the last ten and move on to maintaining. People are uncomfortable with change...

Do what you need to do for you. You need to do this for health and happiness.

betternexttime said...

I think people struggle when you change and they don't. But you're the only one that knows what's best for you, and you have to stay your own course. Hang in there!

gracies tough journey said...

Hang in there my friend, these feelings will pass. It sounds so much like my PMS. I would be like you trying to get my last 10 lbs off. You are ok, taking care of yourself is what you need to do. God Bless. Hugs to you! I have to laugh at Allan comments.

arielcircleofnine said...

Right now Im trying to get back to that "me time first" and the power and strength I have gotten from major physical accomplishments where exercise is concerned. I understand what you're going through with your friends/family--but I dont know that they understand your motivation or mood. I bet they think you are punishing yourself, whipping yourself and being unkind to yourself over something as insignificant (to them!) as 10 lbs. They care about you so they want you to stop and relax. But if you feel good and strong and happy and *empowered* by your routine and very well-deserved ME-Time then so be it. Only you know whats best for you on this journey right Try not to let it get you down, and by the same token chillax on the scale--it WILL come off, you know that!

birchgirl said...

This is my opinion. You should NEVER eat something because somebody else thinks you should, including ice cream. If you would rather go to the gym than fold laundry, you should go. But if being stressed by the last 10 lbs interferes with your ability to enjoy life, than it is worth taking a look at, because the only reason for pursuing health is to enjoy life more. You don't want to replace one compulsion with another. Only you can answer whether that is a concern.

Julie said...

Thank you everyone for your comments, thoughts, ideas, support and kicks in the butt. I took so much needed time to day to relect and do something major thinking. And okay, I agree to some extend with being obessed. I didn't see it, I didn't think about that way and still having a hard time with it but will learn and not worry about it so. I will try a bit harder with going with the flow.
Thank you everyone. I do appreciate all your thoughts. Take care my friends. God Bless!!

kristi said...

I know it is tough for our families when we take time for us after years of not doing so. You will work it out!